While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.