While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Ok but actually
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Poetry is my passion
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.