My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
saw this in a dream