@tsm560

While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?

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@ch000ch

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

@aveuaskew

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

@girlontapas

Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@beermanboobs

Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@om_eye_goodness

my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

@handsock_butts

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

@superdollman

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.