[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me opening up to someone
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?