While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?