@JermHimselfish

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

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@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@AngelaEhh

Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@UnFitz

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

@markleggett

At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.

@realHamOnWry

Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.