Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You Might Also Like
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
the composer
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe