I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[notice son’s not home]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.