*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t