‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
our love story in four pictures
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.