Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda