@flashember

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

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@NewDadNotes

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@ericsshadow

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU