TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
our love story in four pictures
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?