My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT