*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
LMAO
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”