if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
i prefer mine room temperature.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried