*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.