@sixfootcandy

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

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@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@CruisinSoozan

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

@caithuls

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

@EndhooS

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

@HatfieldAnne

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days