*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?