@TheTweetOfGod: White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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@NewDadNotes: Wife: [on phone] what are you up to? Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon. Wife: aw I love that movie! Me: what movie? Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
@ktmcburr: "Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant"- no one, ever.
@PaigeKellerman: 90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.