@TheTweetOfGod

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

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@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

@erikbryn

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@briangaar

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped