I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[first little league game]
me: knock ‘em dead son
son: thanks pa
me: destroy them
me: kill them all
me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait