white boys be texting like… ????

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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.


If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.


I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.


[first little league game]

me: knock ‘em dead son

son: thanks pa

me: destroy them

son: what

me: kill them all

son: [crying]



ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David


peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup


*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u


1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait