[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
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[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me