[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom