50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!