@dogwithaknife

white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner

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@daemonic3

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@tsm560

Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.

@ThinkingSavage

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

@jonnysun

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@DrewCoffman

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!