*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.