[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree