@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

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@matt___nelson

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

@ArfMeasures

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@Nocturnoc**to

If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

@HenpeckedHal

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh