[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m already scared
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.