White parent Vs Arab parents
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Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
#parenting
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly