“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?