goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.