Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
You Might Also Like
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
thank god
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.