White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.


“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in


Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward


Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.




Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him