@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

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@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

@longwall26

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

@drankturpentine

I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

@

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@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him