@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

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@PresTightrhymes

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

@13spencer

If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.

@WorkingMom86

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@ObscureGent

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

@DirtMcTurd

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

@Gupton68

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

@serendipitydon1

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

@HousewifeOfHell

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.