White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”