White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.