Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”
DAD: What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.
DAD: There’s no going back now
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*at an AA meeting*
“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”
*gets aggressively escorted out*