@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

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@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@ericarhodes

If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”

@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

@Fred_Delicious

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

@shashaintl

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@KeetPotato

cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”

@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@mrkoodge

*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*