@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

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@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@iamlaurenp

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

@iRandumbs

If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.