I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*