White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Facebook memories be like
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
This is hilarious….
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.