*passes cop car with radar gun
*stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
me: mom i like this person from twitter
mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing