@GeorgeResch
@theshamingofjay
*passes cop car with radar gun
*stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days
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@theshamingofjay
@FrazzleMyGimp
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Letโs get cotton candy next.
@avxlanche
me: mom i like this person from twitter
mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
@Michael1979
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
@pro_worrier_
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
@_sweet_ham
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
@ClichedOut
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
@PondHockeyPro
Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.
@KalvinMacleod
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing