@GeorgeResch

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Letโ€™s get cotton candy next.

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@pro_worrier_

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@ClichedOut

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

@PondHockeyPro

Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing