white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
m’lady
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sponch
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off