white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?