white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”


Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”


me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
me: hmm


If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.


What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole


Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel


*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*


Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.