“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this