I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Only Americans understand
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again