White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i meant to share this earlier
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out