Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.