I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Her: *giggles* you hang up fir……
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.