Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

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I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.


went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw


Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.


Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?


MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry


[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas


Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah



I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.