Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol