Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.