It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct