@Cyberbunbun

who👏replaced👏my👏space👏bar👏with👏a👏clapping👏emoji👏I👏need👏to👏finish👏my👏papers👏tonight👏please👏help👏me

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@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@ddsmidt

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]

@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.