A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Have a lovely day 😊
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*