@JustAboutGlad

“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.

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@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@iGreenMonk

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.

@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@freebirdy31

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada