Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Brother?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.