Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it
the h in university stands for happiness
6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!
Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.
6 yo: Oh
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*
I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada