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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
This cat wants you to take your pills
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .