@kvlly

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

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@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

@kcmoore51

Me: I made you a playlist…

Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!

Me: It only has songs about food.

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@certifiable_end

My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.

@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them