@pixelatedboat

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

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@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

@lincnotfound

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@BuckyIsotope

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project