Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project