Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
🐕🍷
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us