If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back